I Am Enough
This is sort of a follow up to a post I wrote almost a year ago. I asked the question, "When will it be enough?" I've had some very interesting experiences in the past couple of months that have helped me come to an answer to that question.
First, this summer I directed the UW Summer Chorale. I was able to recruit, rehearse, and conduct an hour and a half concert with no oversight. I was free to play with the ideas that I have learned over the past two years of grad school. The concert came together with great success.
Second, I traveled for two weeks to Slovakia and spoke with music teachers and choir directors from universities across the country: Bratislava, Košice, Prešov, Žilina, Martin, and Trenčianské Teplice. I was able to not only carry on conversations in Slovak (which I wasn't sure I'd be able to do after 20 years), but learned how to converse about music and choirs. I was treated with respect and as an equal colleague.
Third, I have been called to be the choir director of my ward choir at church (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). This is an un-paid position, but I wouldn't trade it for the world right now. We've only met a couple times since summer ended and I can already hear an improvement in their sound. It's fun to watch the growth!
Fourth, earlier this summer I auditioned for the position as the conductor of the Ensign Symphony and Chorus in Seattle. I was recently informed that I'm one of two finalists being considered for the position. The other finalist and I will share the concert in October (I'll conduct the second half) and the final decision will be made from there. I had my first rehearsal with the choir on Thursday and had a fabulous time. I felt like everything I did was truly from me. It wasn't an affectation. And the choir is wonderful, too. Whether I get this position or not, I'll be grateful for the time I get to spend working with this choir of such high musicianship.
I was pondering on all that has happened this summer, as well as all that has happened in the past two years, and I realized something important. Somewhere along the way, I started to believe that I Am Enough. They aren't empty words...I mean it. I don't feel like an imposter anymore. I feel that I'm at the point that I could actually become a college professor and do well at it. I'm not saying I'm finished learning or growing by any means, but I at least feel like I don't have to feel like I'm faking it anymore.
I am enough. When we get to the point that we can say that, obstacles no longer look insurmountable. When we understand that we were enough all along and the events in our lives are just extras, life looks differently. I couldn't have found this point without my loving wife, Angi, who has been telling me this for over 20 years, or for all my professors over the years who have pushed me to find myself.
It's a new perspective. I'm ready to start the school year on Monday (my last one!!).
Bring it on!!
Composer, Choral Conductor, DMA Student,